7.09.2005

Stuck On A Boat Playing Bridge and Diving Into Shallow Water.

Residing in this state, admittedly tiny and having less people living in it than the city I reside in most of the year, has been (maybe) not a hard as I had previously thought. It�s been a lazy summer so far, and a lazy summer is exactly what I needed after a rather disconcerting year; but we won�t go there today. I was considering heading back down to Puerto Rico this weekend with a slew of family who were going to descend on the house there. That of course was nixed when the weather did not cooperate, so for whatever reason, said family descended at least for a day or two here; they will disperse within a day for various location across the country but for tonight�fun times. I spent most of today on a very large boat (yacht) with said family and a variety of other people. We were docked, playing poker, (bridge for some), eating and jumping into the water even though that is not allowed on dock. Of course it was not even warm today, so there was not much time spent in the ocean. It looked a little foreboding with the clouds and potential storms and we were all lamenting the fact that we were not in Puerto Rico. Although I imagine that it looked a little foreboding there today and, at least, the logistics of getting there this weekend were too complicated for most to deal with. The most amusing of the guests here, except for my non biological Australian uncle who also happens to be the �skipper and owner� of the boat that we were on all day and whom we will get to one day, is my Aunt Pauline. Aunt Pauline is a psychiatrist who used to be a dermatologist until, after ten years of practice, she decided she wanted to be a psychiatrist, so she sold a fairly lucrative practice and applied for a residency in psychiatry. Family rumor has it , as it is not all that easy to get a residency especially the age she was at the time, that she slept with someone in order to get it, most likely another crazy psychiatrist. The other option was that she paid for it. This is conjecture only and only among family when they are all sitting around making fun of each other drinking gin and vodka gimlets as they do on the rare occasion when they are all in one place. Anyway, Aunt Pauline is quite entertaining and she is also as crazy and brilliant as they come. Pauline ( I've never really called her Aunt) likes to sit around and discuss finances as much as she likes to sit around and talk about the hazards and benefits of Prozac, and she likes to analyze family members behind their back, at least while talking to me; this is great fun especially when analyzing the the more conservative and respectable members of the family and my heavy chested but small brained cousin . She is not like this in public, she is very discreet. There are no worries about entrusting her with your deepest, darkest and most perverted thoughts; she is quite professional when it comes to her patients and in public she doesn�t cast shame upon us or humiliate her patients in any way.If I know a few things about some adulterous, sociopath, ax murdering, constipated, necrophiliac with a partial syphyllic dementia who happens to teach at the middle school in some no name town in Virginia no biggy , she never gives out real names. One would never guess that she sits on a steps of the back patio drinking vodka and lamenting the crazy things parents do to their children and how it really �fucks them up for life� and how she knows because even though she was not seriously fucked up she hated my grandfather because when he caught her in bed with her high school boyfriend at age fifteen he sent her away to school,( ya like far way, I heard it was a whole fifty miles from home and she was home every weekend.) This, she said did irreparable damage to her self esteem and to her view on sex. It took her another two whole years to figure out sex was not really a bad thing and to understand that her parents did not hate her for what she did; I told you she is a little nutso, this is hardly some serious parent created trauma but my family has had very few of those and therefore tend to think that some very minor issues are of great significance. Aunt Pauline insists it takes very little to fuck up a child or a teenager and therefore there is a great need for good psychiatrists such as her; she is a big believer in therapy but she admits it rarely works on adults without drugs unless the person has a high degree of self determination. She has been in therapy of some kind or another for years, she says most psychiatrists are, (in therapy), if just for fun; she then goes onto a tangent about past lives and reincarnation and how she believes she was most probably Egyptian in her last life as her dreams always have of an Egyptian theme; She also dresses in a remotely Egyptian way most of the time. She was married once in medical school but I guess that didn�t work out and she never married again, until now. It seems she is getting married and not to another psychiatrist, which would seem to me to be her best bet, but to a plastic surgeon. Ewwww�. He is here with her this weekend and he is so���������������..plastic surgeony. I think all plastics surgeons look like they have had plastic surgery, he does. Supposedly he is seven years younger than she is but I am not sure about that. I hazard a guess the knife or at the very least the laser has been at work here. My Aunt is a pretty attractive woman for her age despite all that frizzy long flowing hair that never seems to be able to be put in its place; I hope he does not have plans to do all sorts of unseemly things to her face and body. He has a very rigid looking face and no overt wrinkles. He is also not very personable and appears to be totally lacking humor as so many of those medical types are; he is however very interested in money and spent at least two hours discussing land acquisition and development as a means of investment with my father. No surprise a plastic surgeon interested in money, hopefully not my aunts, as she has a lot of it as does most of our family. I don�t really care about money but I don�t like other people possibly marrying people in my family for it. Anyway my weird aunt, whom I adore, is marrying this grotesquely non personable, money grubbing plastic surgeony man with no sense of humor and no wrinkles. I am hoping that she is going to come to her senses any time now. Why does a woman of her age have to marry anyway? Makes no sense to me at all; she obviously isn�t going to have children at her age. I think I will to go down and investigate this situation further, maybe even suggest to her that having a long time lover would be a better option for someone of her wealth and intelligence; certainly that thought has occurred to her. Of course she will listen to me, with all my worldliness why wouldn�t she? Anyway she�s great fun and Matt, my gay friend,( yes he is my gay friend and for those of you that emailed me and told me it was not right for me to call Matt �my gay friend�; I have only to say that is was part of the story and needed to be said the last time, and this time I am doing it to bug the hell out of you. I also want to differentiate Matt my gay friend whom I will never sleep with from my other not so gay friend(s) whom I could potentially sleep with, when my fear of germs goes away that is), is down there now with Aunt Pauline-out on the veranda or whatever the heck it is called- I think she is having an in depth discussion with him about his homosexuality and the fact that he still has not told his parents he is gay. He seemed to be really getting into in when I left. As for now, yeah for my parents for again purchasing an abode large enough to allow this very bizarre family to congregate under one roof all at the same time if only for a few moments out of every few years. I�m only sorry I can only describe them to you one at a time. I have graced you with an out, but feel free to peak behind the door.

28 Comments:

Blogger Coyote Mike said...

Come to Nebraska. I'll show you what empty land really means.

7/09/2005 11:27:00 PM  
Anonymous weirsdo said...

I was interested to see that your Aunt Pauline shares with Emrald of Naked Gymnastics for JESUS an interest in Egyptian past lives. Although my exposure to plastic surgeony types is limited, instinct and close-up knowledge of med students tell me you are right, except I bet he has lots of money already and just wants more.

7/10/2005 01:00:00 AM  
Blogger Mere Existence said...

Family sucks, doesn't it?

7/10/2005 01:21:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

If it'll help Aunt Pauline, you can offer him my money instead.

7/10/2005 09:51:00 AM  
Anonymous pia said...

Your Aunt Pauline sounds fascinating.

my father's cousin while in law school married another law student. Said cousin-in-law practicd law, went to med school at 40 and then became a psychiatrist who went on to head the pscychiatry division (or maybe the whole thing) of a large hospital in Las Vegas.

This would have been a good thing but their extraordinarily brilliant doctor son was a full fledged schizophrenic with a major gambling problem.

Now ex-cousin-in-law, who of course remained a family member for life thought it would be a good thing for her son to live in Las Vegas.

When I say major gambling problem, I mean the kind of problem that when said son would call my dad, and say "they're after me, the mob is after me," my father fortunately believed him. They were after him at that point.

Would love to write about my family, but uh....

Sounds like you're having a wonderful and luxe time. Have it for me also!

Nothing wrong with using the word "gay." It's not discriminatory, its' descriptive.

One of my best friends is a straight married male hair stylist, and I always have to use the whole expression. Because yes we are platonic friends; yes he is straight and married. As long as his wife doesn't care...but it's the only way to properly describe our 20 year friendship.

7/10/2005 01:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aunt Pauline : We all have our Aunt Paulines, and Uncle Sam's and sick cousin David's.
It's just matter of dealing with them, and enjoying them if we can and not taking the family thing too seriously.
You seem to be coping well with a mass of people who you would have done anything to avoid just a short time ago.

Yeah the gay thing: I don't think a descpritive term leaves itself open for criticism.

On the other hand just by virtue of putting stuff out here in cyberspace you are open to criticism.

Plastic Surgeons: I don't think I have ever seen one but know several people that plan to become one; there motive is money.Plastic Surgeons make plenty and will make more as time goes on especially in this youth oriented culture.

7/10/2005 02:53:00 PM  
Anonymous john said...

That was me. This blogger comment thing is a pain.

7/10/2005 02:54:00 PM  
Blogger Karass said...

or Iowa...there's an empty land

7/10/2005 11:25:00 PM  
Blogger thatoldsoul said...

too long; didn't read

7/11/2005 04:26:00 AM  
Blogger zydeco fish said...

That was an extremely interesting post. I'd like to meet your aunt and I am not sure why.

7/11/2005 09:37:00 AM  
Blogger W. S. Cross said...

Plastic surgery is aptly-named because it leaves the subject changed. Notice how shiny the skin is of women who have face-lifts? I have been tempted to have my eyes worked-on (it is, after all, a culture of the young), but radical solutions seem too scary to me. Especially because of the stories I hear all the time of botched boob jobs and ghastly makeovers.

7/11/2005 10:07:00 AM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

My version of the botched boob job

(^)
(>)

Beware of what can happen.

7/11/2005 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

Ok, its a REALLY botched boob job.

7/11/2005 12:06:00 PM  
Blogger Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

I was going to respond last night but I got home late, put my blog on blog rocket and and went to watch the late edition � Queer as Folk�.

coyote: Nebraska, I have to admit, is one state I have never been to and I have been to most of them.

weirsdo: Yes I find myself drawn to people with that Egyptian thing going on.

Mere Existence: Sometimes yes but we can learn to distance ourselves from them while still enjoying their eccentricities and if all else fails pretending we don't know them.

Doug: It�s a deal.


pia: she is fascinating.

John: ?


jin: Iowa , for some reason sounds extremely unappealing to me so I hope to avoid it for now.


thatoldsoul: I know your powers of concentration are limited but after a short review I tend to agree, I feel asleep halfway though it myself.


zydeco fish: She is an awesome individual, we have few interesting people on that side of the family, mostly boring business types with personalities to match.


W. S. Cross: My college roommate freshman year had had a boob job and she was constantly asking us to look at them and to touch them. They felt awful and were probably a little bigger then they needed to be for her size.

A woman that works for my mother had a face lift early in the summer, I guess it was called a mini face lift; she had staples in her head above her forehead and some killer black eyes. She looks fine now but I am not sure if she actually looks better.

coyote: I am not worried as I have no intention of getting a boob job, my breasts are spectacular. At least in my slightly deluded mind state they appear so.

7/11/2005 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

Lemme see em :D

7/11/2005 01:42:00 PM  
Blogger SeizeTheNite said...

My older cousin married a plastic surgeon.
She used to be a fairly attractive older woman.
She is now a freakish 50 something year old woman with enormous fake tits, a perpetually surprised look on her face, and a chin that could cut glass.
Fucking families...

7/11/2005 05:46:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I agree with Jin........Iowa sux.

7/11/2005 06:56:00 PM  
Blogger breasier said...

Hmmm, I like most of my family, except for my cousin Shelly, for obvious reasons. It is about time for another family reunion I suspect, though. That way I can fulfill my familial obligations for the decade.

7/11/2005 07:00:00 PM  
Blogger Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/11/2005 08:47:00 PM  
Blogger Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

seizethenite: i think of quasi horror movies when I think of plastic surgeons and their mates.

MJ: Well that's it for sure; I will never set foot in Iowa.

breasier: I don't like Shelly either come to think of it. Unfortunately for me as my whole family travels quite a bit, at least most of them I see them en masse or en half masse (so to speak) at least every couple of years.

Coyote: settle down.

7/11/2005 08:51:00 PM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

LOL

7/11/2005 09:35:00 PM  
Blogger mojo shivers said...

I see my family too much. The problem with our family is that they all live in California, all near Los Angeles, so anytime anybody has something to celebrate, they all come-a-calling.

7/12/2005 02:34:00 AM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

That happens with me too. My mother's dad, and two brothers, one sister-in-law, and numerous cousins (both mine and hers) live in the area. So, any little thing gets a huge deal. Except my birthday, as I refuse to go out to the family compound (4 houses within a few miles of each other) on my birthday and thus can escape. HAHA my evil plan works. God I'm lonely :P

7/12/2005 10:29:00 AM  
Blogger FTS said...

I've often heard it said that psychologists and psychiatrists are some of the most neurotic people. That's why they recognize it in others so well. Who knows.

Thanks for stopping by. :)

7/12/2005 06:53:00 PM  
Blogger Rex Venom said...

Go for the trip. The travel. It is good to keep moving. The more you move, the longer you actually exist.
Rock on!

7/12/2005 06:56:00 PM  
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