Doubt, Desire and Contempt

I am besieged with doubt, and desire for some kind of spiritual gratification; not sure enlightenment exists but willing to look for it under the sidewalks, on the subway and in the mountains. It is going to end up being inside myself I'm sure of it, but what if it isn't and I haven't looked hard enough��������then what? Nothing I suppose. When nothing comes I won�t be surprised. I�m in a weird mood and I had a great weekend. Sitting around here I realize that at least half the people in my school, sixty thousand plus not including grad students, are nothing more than whiney little babies and I feel like if I have to look at them one more day I will die. I get in these moods every so often; these moods where I see myself as so much better than everyone else.It may not be that I see myself as better, but just wiser and more adult. I see that my parents fostered my independence by never using their sheer consumptive power to control me. They used their rhetorical skills quite profusely in times past but never their financial or emotional support. I see everyone else as controlled by the green thing that could never control me, and I feel nothing but contempt. Then I look in my closet at the expensive clothes, on the desk at two computers, under the bed at the various shoes and in the mirror and see the refelction of a young woman that has lived a pretty easy life . Maybe I was wrong. GOTB - did an interview with me. I am the first interview in her new series. I�m sure these will become part of the best archives in blogger history so feel free to check it out. Not sure when she�s putting it up sometime this week though so go check it out.

peace out


Blogger Doug said...

I'm pretty excited to read your interview and see what you say about yourself. Curiousity killed the cat but my species is shielded by our lack of speed, agility and forethought.

I feel like I should say something older about what you're feeling. Blake's line about seeing a world in a grain of sand (or however that goes) applies to people too. I've turned up in a lot of strange places and I seem to always find people with strength, wisdom, substance and/or complaints wherever I occur. That said, Emory was something of an exception and I wouldn't be too surprised if ypu were having trouble finding notable souls there. The sorry bastards, screw 'em.

By the way, you're not the only one seeing yourself as wiser and more adult. One of these days O'm checking your driver's license.

12/12/2005 02:11:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

By "there" I mean in college.

12/12/2005 02:12:00 AM  
Blogger EsotericWombat said...

I'm actually in a similar mood at the moment. Except, well, I don't see myself in too great a light either.

It's hard to look at any large group of people and not wonder what the fuck the deal is. I'll tell you when and if I ever figure out how to deal with it.

12/12/2005 04:24:00 AM  
Blogger The ZenFo Pro said...

Hey, everybody has times of cultural doubt. Wish I could say it stops when you're out of school, but the more and more I see some of that sheer stupidity out there.

Being independent is probably the best gift anyone can give. Parents try, but unfortunately, there's no instruction manual for raising children. It seems to me your folks did an good job. At least you're questioning your existence and your purpose - most folks never make it that far.

Yeah, must be the holiday season...in a similar mood myself to Wombat's.

12/12/2005 06:43:00 AM  
Blogger Girl on the Blog said...

I can remember being in college and going through those funks... I ended up dropping out... SOOOO DON'T DO THAT! I am having to go back to school at the ripe old age of 28. Not having toooo.... wanting toooo! (I made the worse mistake of my life when I dropped out... I got married to a real sleeze... so don't do that either. He sure in the hell didn't cure my funk!)

The interview was fun and made me laugh in some parts...Funny I pictured you a Vanilla Girl! Also love the Bob Dylan Quote in your interview... perfecto! ;)

12/12/2005 07:14:00 AM  
Anonymous weirsdo said...

You seem pretty enlightened to me.
Doug: CHECK OUT THAT INTERVIEW. You'll be glad you did.

12/12/2005 09:05:00 AM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

The search for the true inner self is one that should never be taken lightly, nor is it something that will happen overnight. You find something that seems hidden in plain sight to the rest of the world, and discover the first tingling touch of excitement that you might have found . . . something. And you might have. But do not forget, that the wisest among us are those who truly admit they know nothing. I think you will earn your wisdom, and you are on the right path. It doesn't matter what you wear, how many shoes you have, or that you have a seperate computer for your . . . whatever you have it for. Those are things, and it doesn't matter if you have them or not.

Now, I must go read your interview.

Good day, searcher.

12/12/2005 09:18:00 AM  
Anonymous pia said...

Weirdso, from Doug's,comment and the puffed out fur, it appears that he already did.

As did I who rather than puffing out will slink back into bed with an acute feeling of oh I want no blogger awards, but to feel that I have contributed something to Alice's growth as a human being, and as a woman.

Actually a friend I haven't seen in a long while is coming over this morning.

And recognizing that your parents were just more skillful in making you feel less a consumer and more a contributor to society is the first step in becoming both a great consumer and a guardian of society's woes

12/12/2005 09:36:00 AM  
Anonymous jake said...

you're in a fine mood today.
Everyone has those moments, or months or years I fear.
The ungodly green.

Hope you had a good time on the mountain.

12/12/2005 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

Wow. I just got back from GOTB. Thanks mainly for letting us know you a little better, but also for flattery. As good as a scratch behind the ears.

12/12/2005 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Dave said...

>>nothing more than whiney little babies
You think people are whiney, insecure, dependent morons in college? Wait til after college. It only gets worse. The morons only get stupider, while many of the idealistic from school sell out faster than Blink 182.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic...oh, wait, yes I do.

from Maximum Awesome

12/12/2005 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

You caught me in a similar mood. You inspired me and so I wrote you a letter. It is back at my place. It turned out to be a musing/conversationg with myself... Hope you like it.

As for what you saw in the mirror... look at your sidebar instead. It is what caught my attention about you and made me stay. Caring and compassion go a long way and in the end, they are all that matter.

12/12/2005 02:39:00 PM  
Blogger avereragebusinessman said...

There are whiney people and people controlled by the green throughout life.

I do not know the answer but the fact that you are looking for it consciously give me hope for your future.
Is there enlightenment? That is the question.

That was a nice interview because it gives some slight insight as to the girl behind the blog.

What is it with girls and shoes?

12/12/2005 03:06:00 PM  
Blogger Bennet said...

Moods....Maybe you're at least half right about the people surrounding you.

I always tend to think I'm smarter than I was before.
Quite often I think to myself.." HAH!, what a stupid mistake I'd made back then, ah but at least I'm smarter now..."

Then it happens when I make the same mistake again...This cycle never ends actually...

Is this more info than what you might have wanted? Maybe, but regardless I'll just tell myself later that I'm smarter.

12/12/2005 04:19:00 PM  
Blogger protagoras said...

Noble Prize? I just knew you were approval-seeking. With all your precociousness, I thought you'd be more independent-minded.

But seriously, your interview was an interesting read.

12/12/2005 06:23:00 PM  
Blogger I.M. Dedd said...

uh...you are better, dammit.

12/12/2005 06:57:00 PM  
Blogger Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

Doug: My real driver's license or the other one?

Not flattery just fact. I'm not a flatterer. If it weren�t for those fleas I might scratch you behind the ears but I've heard rumors... I think from pia.

Wombat: I will be waiting for the day you figure it all out.

Dave: you made my day.

mizzy bohem: as it is I got in late like not too long ago and am just now starting to get to blogs. I will be sure to get over there asap.

Zenpro: moody holiday blues.

GOTB: it was fun, no, no, a chocolate girl. I'm glad you're not married to a real sleaze any longer. Don�t worry marriage is really not in my future at all.
You have nice shoes and I�m sorry about all the chocolate I fed your son.

weirsdo: I�m lightened not enlightened but that is because I got a lot of exercise this weekend.

coyote: that was the nicest thing I think you have ever written.

pia: his fur was a little puffy wasn't it. ha ha. Blogger awards..that was going to be my next post as I have recently gotten a few solicitations in the email from bloggers to vote for them at that web thing.

jake: yea you're right. great mountain time.

bizman: i love shoes.

bennett: if I'm half right half the time well, I guess that is the way it goes.

protagoras: yup old approval seeking me. Oh, wait ...damn that tongue when it sticks to the right cheek is really hard to get off.

dedd: You only say that because i see dedd people.

12/12/2005 10:19:00 PM  
Blogger Girl on the Blog said...

Sorry you've been tagged!

12/12/2005 10:45:00 PM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

On occasion I'm not a neadrathal pig-dude :P

12/12/2005 10:48:00 PM  
Blogger Coyote Mike said...

and rarer, I learn to spell :P

12/12/2005 10:48:00 PM  
Blogger Sar said...

You think, therefore, you think.

12/12/2005 11:02:00 PM  
Blogger Girl on the Blog said...

Sorry about the tag... I have been told you do not do tags... :(

I've never been tagged before (in the blogger since that is)... so I am new at this! ;)

12/13/2005 12:04:00 AM  
Blogger mojo shivers said...

I'll have to stop by and read the interview, but I think that's great somebody would want to interview our very own Wonderland nut.

As for getting in those kinds of moods, I've been in that mood since 4th grade so I sympathize.

12/13/2005 04:21:00 AM  
Blogger transience said...

that was so raw, the way you put it. i can totally relate. but enlightenment has been elusive lately, and i'm thinking that maybe, if i stop looking for it, enlightenment will find me. but that's a lazy, exhausted girl talking. i missed this space. can't wait for the interview--i don't think anyone does things like those better than you do.

12/13/2005 05:35:00 AM  
Blogger Jay said...

I think the trick is to look in the closet, on the desk, and under the bed...then look in the mirror and ask if that person would be the same without it all. Sometimes enlightenment is just the realization that looking for something or someone outside yourself in order to complete yourself is a fool's quest.

12/13/2005 09:58:00 AM  
Blogger Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

coyote: that's nice to know, seriously.

sar: that's about it.

girl: how could someone as important as myself lower herself to a tag?;) I'll do it later when I get back only I don't usually tag others as they get mad and come after me with sticks and such. I will let them decide if they want to do it.

MoJo: Yes you have been in one of those moods for a very long time. That's what makes you mojo.

tran: there's a lot of people I'd myself would love to interview and get real answers from... one of these days. lol

jay: hope so or not as the case may be...i'm not absolutely certain of that as yet.

12/13/2005 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger Theresa Z said...

Perhaps an epiphany vs. enlightenment? Perhaps there is no spoon? It comes from within, it's there, but it's tired. ;)

12/13/2005 12:52:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Glad to see this blog still up and going. Liked your interview on GOTB.

12/13/2005 06:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You might find enlightenment in the eyes of a needy child getting a christmas gift they didn't expect, in the embarassed face of a homeless person accepting a free christmas dinner, in the gentle nod and hushed thank yous of those who have little and appreciate everything. Go out and find enlightenment in the faces of people less fortunate than you.

12/13/2005 10:08:00 PM  
Blogger Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

cupie: hope your holiday season doesn't put you under.No there is not spoon. I'v e know that for some time.
mj: mj, mj,mj..........glad you came by i miss you.
anonymous: if only it were that easey hon we'd all be enlightened now wouldn't we.

12/14/2005 01:15:00 AM  
Blogger '*\~>Chris?<~/*' said...

It only gets worse-trust me, learn to deal with the bratty idiotic babies now and life will get easier-I promise

12/15/2005 12:08:00 PM  

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